When
Lately I have been so consumed with death.A few years back when a friend of mine passed away and it shook me to the core. I realized not everyone was going to live to old age and bad things could happen to me and people I love. Then this year two other people I know, both in their twenties died also in a car crash. Right then and there it started. God became to me a hit man and I was just a sitting duck.. waiting to be shot at. I haven't left town since, I keep feeling pains that might not be anything or real even. But lately all I have in my head is I or another person I care about is next. I wish I could just trust God for the out come... anything He has for me will be right and good, I know this and yet my brain keeps fighting it.
Anyhow, in a few weeks my family and myself, God willing will be headed over to England and all I keep thinking is; is this it.
Was this my life and it's done!
I know what my Bible has to say... I know what my family has to say, but somehow the fear hits and I can't stop thinking something bad has to happen to us again.
The on going fight of " Lord please don't take me yet" and the " But Your will be done it my life". The "I know you are Love" but " You're going to kill me".
" He has plans for me of a hope, and a future, plans for good and not evil" but " Please Not Yet!". I plead for a husband and children, yet I know He should be all I want and need. He shows me time and time again, that he has given me more time... I better start living for Him and not this world.
So then I feel guilt... if heaven is where we all want to end, it's the goal, the mark, and the prize. Why do I fear going to Him?
Is it the fear of the unknown?
The fear that I might not get to go?
Am I calling Him a liar? ( I sure hope not!)
I just wish I had faith like a child! I wish I just had the ticket in my hand, the halo around my head, and my only wants here on earth, is the want to be with Him. Know Him and be so in love with Him... all other wants and needs fade.
I want to trust Him, not to have to think of what I'll eat, drink, where I will live, if I'll ever get married, have kids, or live to be 50 let alone 25.
This has been going on for months and I'm so tired of my own thoughts.. That right now I wish I was a puppet.
Why is it the more I want to be on fire for Him the farther I seem to be?
Why can't I just trust Him for the out come? How do you let go of self and step into life and truth?
Someday...someday....
To Him who is faithful to keep us from falling be all Glory, Honor, and Praise. Amen
posted by Joy @ 10:56 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
oh gurlie...I will pray for your trip! Just Live and have fun on your trip...take a tonne of pics!! LOVE u!!
I wish I could give the perfect words into this situation, but I must admit I have felt like this a many times, wondering what is the point and if it is worth it at all to fight through this mess.
To be honest, I think part of our problem is we live in this N.A. mentality of no pain, easy to swallow miracle pilled society that makes every effort to avoid any sort of pain, struggles or trials as that would be evil.
It is no wonder the health and wealth gospel is so popular here in N.A. But I wonder if these times of trial should be something we dredge, but just maybe they are a wake up call, God trying to reach down to us, that we can grow by them and open our hearts even more to His leading.
"2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4
"7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Heb 12:7-11
"12Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1:12
"7Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains. 8You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord's coming is near... 10Brothers, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. 11As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered." James 5:7-8; 10-11
We will be praying...
Thanks:)
You're Welcome!
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