If I wasn't this..... I would be someone else.

I was talking with my sister the other night and told her that all my life I have felt like a fill in. ( Example: when an actor get sick in a play, they have a fill in, someone who has been learning the part on the side lines just in case the main actor couldn't go on)

Here is my life as I remember it..... from the time I hit my teen years I started taking on actions of my friends or people around me, trying to be like them ( for I saw them as people others wanted to be around and saw myself as a geeky little want to be) And so when those people were not around I was the one others would call on, hence ' the fill in'. I think I lost who I was in those years, when the acting started. I did it mainly for the fact that others like them because of those actions, so then they would like me for them too. ( Never worked out that way, but I keep trying)

Why am I writing this for others to read?.... As my brother would say I'm an "open book", but then why as an open book which people know how I feel at any moment so well, is it that to me the pages are blurry? How do they know the things I say at that moment define who I am or how I'll feel ten days from now. To me I just take on other people's personalities, I don't know who I really am, so how can anyone else?

If I was to die and all I ever was or am is a fill in...why fill in the gap? Why are people replaceable? Why at someones death do you shove that person's life into an hour of time? why do people have replacements? You may think you don't but we all do, we have the people first on are calling list and then others to reach if all else fails. But yet no one wants to be replaced themselves.

I know that I'm going on jumping from thought to thought.... this is how my mind works and as I type I just am letting my mind go at Joy speed.

So why can't I find out who I really am and stop the act? Why is it so hard for me to think that people really could and do like me for me? Why is it that I don't like who I am as a person or stop seeing looking back at me in a mirror this ugly mess? Why do I fear the rejection of man and God?

Is it the fact I don't like this person I have become over the years and that I can't see why other people would..... Fear and rejection is the only real part to me that I know. Yes all of what I said in the above makes me this mess of a person and to let people know this... scares me the most. So why did I open this book more to make people feel bad for me.. no. I did it because this is who I'm finding I really am.

And I have to let go of what people really think...But if I wasn't this....I'd be someone else and how do you then be who you really are.

Note: no one... no one needs to reply I am just clearing my head at one in the morning. If you do comment don't say anything you don't mean or try to preach. I know what has to be said my brothers have said it a thousand times. I just have a low self image and that is I guess who I am... what you say could never tell me different. I have to once again change, I just don't know how.

Note: V-day just makes me sad.. sorry you read this blog, if you have gotten this far.