Time Lost

All have been, or at least all have believed themselves to be, in danger from the pursuit of someone whom they wish to advoid; and all have been anxious for the attention of someone whom they wished to please. - Jane Austen

I find this statment to be so true coming from a woman who has past on some time ago now. Thousand of years go by... then hundreds, have we as humans changed? In some ways... yes, in human nature... no.
Why is there this need to be needed? I find that all through my life I have relied to much on what other people think and we have all been there to one degree or another. ( some more then others, but we have all been there)
I find that I care to much what others think ( as you can tell from my writing 'the outside view') how I come across to people, why they might not like me, what it is about myself I can change and I don't know how to stop.
With each person I become someone different, molding myself to how I can fit in. Why?.. And is it sin?
I know that I shouldn't want to be of this world, only in it, but how can one stop?
Tonight I was watching a movie about stations in life and the parts that people play, and the parts they choose to play. I have had only one goal in life other then following God ( and I some times get out of charactor) and that was and still is to be a wife and mother. One woman in the movie had that same goal but jumped in to fast and had an unhappy marriage. But as the story unwinds it was only the life she was told to have, not really the one she wanted. Do we then sometimes go for things in life only because that's what everyone around us has done or has told us to do?.. Yes!
Not in my case, (or so I wish to think) yet I might just be trying to run ahead of God.
In my life's play, I have been the woman that men have wished to advoid ( well the one's I have liked) and have advoided men. For fear of rejection, love lost or lossing it, them not being Christian, or even strung along sometimes, the guy knowing it was only temp. Someone to do something with, well they really have a girlfriend back home. Just friends! How can guys do that! You become good friends, yet they don't see the games they are playing with your heart... but to be fair I don't know the games I'm playing at either and if I didn't like them, it would be just that... friendship.
Now I'm just going on, I don't know if this even makes sense to anyone and I don't care. Sometimes people just need to write out what is going on in their minds. I just wish God's time would come soon for I hate waiting. What is it I sometimes wonder...that's so wrong with me I can never get past the friendship stage and other times.... well I'm glad.
We have all been there at one time or another and it gives me comfort to know, I'm not the first person to go through this and I'm not the last but maybe I can help others later on who are going through the same thing I'm feeling now.

Note: This is not about any one guy
Note: This is what I think at three in the morning
Note: Forget what you read, this was just time lost