When

Lately I have been so consumed with death.
A few years back when a friend of mine passed away and it shook me to the core. I realized not everyone was going to live to old age and bad things could happen to me and people I love. Then this year two other people I know, both in their twenties died also in a car crash. Right then and there it started. God became to me a hit man and I was just a sitting duck.. waiting to be shot at. I haven't left town since, I keep feeling pains that might not be anything or real even. But lately all I have in my head is I or another person I care about is next. I wish I could just trust God for the out come... anything He has for me will be right and good, I know this and yet my brain keeps fighting it.
Anyhow, in a few weeks my family and myself, God willing will be headed over to England and all I keep thinking is; is this it.
Was this my life and it's done!
I know what my Bible has to say... I know what my family has to say, but somehow the fear hits and I can't stop thinking something bad has to happen to us again.
The on going fight of " Lord please don't take me yet" and the " But Your will be done it my life". The "I know you are Love" but " You're going to kill me".
" He has plans for me of a hope, and a future, plans for good and not evil" but " Please Not Yet!". I plead for a husband and children, yet I know He should be all I want and need. He shows me time and time again, that he has given me more time... I better start living for Him and not this world.
So then I feel guilt... if heaven is where we all want to end, it's the goal, the mark, and the prize. Why do I fear going to Him?
Is it the fear of the unknown?
The fear that I might not get to go?
Am I calling Him a liar? ( I sure hope not!)
I just wish I had faith like a child! I wish I just had the ticket in my hand, the halo around my head, and my only wants here on earth, is the want to be with Him. Know Him and be so in love with Him... all other wants and needs fade.
I want to trust Him, not to have to think of what I'll eat, drink, where I will live, if I'll ever get married, have kids, or live to be 50 let alone 25.
This has been going on for months and I'm so tired of my own thoughts.. That right now I wish I was a puppet.
Why is it the more I want to be on fire for Him the farther I seem to be?
Why can't I just trust Him for the out come? How do you let go of self and step into life and truth?

Someday...someday....

To Him who is faithful to keep us from falling be all Glory, Honor, and Praise. Amen