Flower Crushing

I was talking with my sister the other day about this friend named Joris we have. Then he called last night, and it got me thinking to share a little about him. Now Joris is such a sweet guy, 29, single and will do just about anything not to be. He has signed himself up to Christian internet dating, been out on dates with the girls he meets on them and has even flown over to different countries to meet these women.
Now it has gotten to us for years why, for such a nice guy things never seem to work out, he has even taken his dates out flying ( he flys a little plane, not a toy one). Grace was telling me this analogy our friend Bill gave for why Joris fails so often, I just loved it because it fits him so well.
She told me to think of his relationships as this: A little boy goes out and finds this beautiful flower, the flower smells wonderful and has so much to offer. Now this little boy picks the flower and is headed home to show his mother, but along the way, the closer he gets the more excited he becomes. Holding the flower harder and harder until he crushes the flower and there is nothing left.
When I heard this, I thought how right the analogy was suited to him. He starts to date a women and then right away is thinking about marriage, or to be fair he just wants to spend all his free time with her, when she's not to sure what to think of him. When he called I said I would write a blog about this, it was not to be mean ( so I hope I'm not coming across in that light) I just like the analogy. Because that just Joris! The Flower Crusher.

I just wanted to see if this works

I was trying to change the color of this blog and it hasn't seemed to be working. So the idea hit me to write a blog to see if it has worked. So here it is, I now hope to see a change.

Sweet, Cute, and Funny

Tonight at work it was non stop busy and I was getting tired. This young girl ( about 13) came up to me, She taps me on the arm and says " Wow, you're pretty!" , then runs out the door to her family. I was still standing in the same spot, when the delivery drive ( such a great guy) puts his hand on my back, holding his head low and shaking it says " poor little girl", this left me confussed " What?" was my reply. " Poor girl she must have bad eye sight". He smile, laughs and walks away. I couldn't be mad at him his timing was perfect, I would have done the same thing. I had so many come backs for him but he also was out the door. Such a small part to my night but it left me smiling.

I finally get it

It has taken me year to get to this thought, I finally understand what the problem is with wanting to be married but why so many of us are staying single. Ready.. here it is, we're too picky. Now I know that being picky is a good thing but too often we vote out all our own ideas as well. In our minds we stay with what we know, but when the person comes along that matches our ideas we find all the little faults with them. I know that I have made up in my mind, this perfect person that no human can ever stand up beside, we're human we all have faults but in your head this person that we want to marry is perfect. Never one to have a fight with, laughs at all our jokes, thinks we're wonderful all the time, wants to do everything we like. Ha! Looking at any marriage can tell me otherwise. The guy won't get up in the morning looking his best, the woman won't have her hair and makeup done, there will be things we fight about. It's not bad to have standards or things to look for, I just find that so many single people I know are single because they don't give chances to the people around, the people God brings into our lives. I hear from people all the time ' Joy, you need to move away to find a guy' that might be true, it could also be God can bring the guy to Cold Lake. It has to be His timing, but we also have to be open to what He may bring. I find I tend to like guys who I know will never like me back... safety. That way I'll never be rejected by them, I won't find I don't match up to this perfect ten that they are looking for. And when I find that a guy likes me, I start to look for his faults, something must be wrong with him! This is what has been coming to my mind lately, that I have to be open to God whether someone comes into my life or not. In all things be ready! And not to push people away just because they are not my perfect ten.
Note:You may agree or not agree, this is just something God has been telling me.
Note: By now you must know I have trouble spelling, It's just something I'm not perfect at.

Spiritual Abundance
The Quest for the Presence of God in Daily Life.

Note: I'm putting this at the top, to say this blog is just me going on and on. A lot of things in this blog are thoughts I had, Which even I don't agree with any more. My thought's were just a guide to this book which helped me and the road I took to get there.

I was looking for a book the other night to read and this one ' Spiritual Abundance' just jumped off of the shelve, O.k. maybe not jumped more like it fell when I hit some over. I read the title and thought ' I need to read this!'.
Since I left Bible school four years ago, I have felt like I was missing God in my life. Church after a while started to make me upset, everytime I tried to help out in the Church my help never seemed needed. And I kept getting jobs that are hard for me to have time off to help or do things with even friends.
So last year I gave up trying, I thought to myself 'if the Christians didn't want me or my help, then I don't want them'. And right then things started to become harder ( not that I gave up on being a Christian, I just thought I did), I couldn't sleep at night, the Christian friend I did let into my life and would answer the phone for died. Did I say then ,' o.k. God'
No, it's funny I never really knew what hardening the heart ment until this year. And boy did I harden, 'God didn't want me, he would take anyone else just not me I wasn't good enough' these were my thoughts ' if the Chruch and Christians didn't want me and they were his people, then for sure my whole Christian life up to that point had just been in my head, God never wanted me either.' The thing that frustrated me was I knew all the right words to say to answer my own questions and when people would try and talk to me I became more frustrated. Then I turned to the thoughts God must hate me ' I prayed to be thin, and I'm still not. I prayed to be married, still not.'
I knew why they weren't being answered, I wanted Him to be my doll, for me to be in control. Same thing with the church I see now, I wanted to be needed but I was putting all my wants in the church to help me look good, not God.
Nights started getting harder, Church a torture. And fear of never really being or becoming a Christian, was great on my mind, I never want to go to hell. But my thought's still came that no matter how many times I asked to be a christian it wouldn't be good enough.
Then I started to read Christian books and take notes in church, no the rejection was still there.
The night I hit the book off the shelve I think I was ready and open to read anything.
Reading the title 'Quest for the presence of God in daily life' just hit me, the writer is a pastor and even when you have a job helping in the church, your life can still feel like you're not doing your best or not wanted.
The back said: ' Spiritual Abundance calls us to move beyond distractions and discover the authentic life God has given us' , ' spiritual abundance can help you find the resources to transform your life with eternal and spiritual significance.'
I have to say the first chapter did nothing for me, but the second chapter was about the breath of God, something I never studied before.
These are just parts from the book that hit me as I end this very long blog, I haven't gotton my life fully back on track, but that's just life ups and downs. God came to save the sinners, and that's all Christians are I have to remind myself daily.

- ' The recovery of one's spiritual capacity begins when the heart turns back to God, regardless of how tough the road has been.'
-' Genuine existence is more that simply being alive. The secular "good life" is not enough to give our time here on earth meaning.'
-' Our spirituality is the point of contact where eternal life begins through our relationship with Jesus the Christ.'

Nyah

Last night I was taking care of Nyah and she is always such a joy. I take a look at her and see what a wonderful thing humans are. How babies take everything in, knowing right from wrong, picking up speach so quickly. They watch every move we make and can repeat it so well, even when you think they're not looking. ( No I didn't teach her anything bad).
Anyhow last night she was so cute, I was reading her a book of animal sounds and when I got to the last page ( which is an owl) I made the sound , she put her little hand on my arm to get my attention, looked right into my eyes and started saying a long sentence ( very serious).
I finished with saying the end and closed the book. She takes the book from out of my hands, opens it back to the last page waiting for me to say the sound. So I do, and once again she looks deep into my eyes and starts to talk, all her words the same as before. This happend four times, the last time she looked like she was stressing the last words, looking harder into my eyes. I think Jeamie is teaching the poor girl chinese, when Chris isn't looking.
She's not talking yet but will answer you with a nod or shake of her head.
Last night just left me in wonder of what an amazing creation we are.
Jeamie must just love being a mom, how could any woman not! Each day is something new and wonderful, and each habbit they learn is what you teach them.
That's all folks!

Friends

Tonight I was thinking about my friend that just past away this last year Feb. 9/05, how much life she lived in her short time. She past away at 23 leaving behind two young boys , husband, and she had just finished her nursing. She was always filled with stories, and loved to put on parties for everyone.
Faye was one of a Kind!
I some time think what we would have been planning or doing right now if she had still been alive, or the silly things we would talk about.
I can't stop myself sometimes from crying, when I think of what we were doing this time last year and that it was such a short time ago.
I wrote this for myself after she died, I'm not saying I did it right or that it's even one of my best poems, but it's about her and that's what makes me love it:

GOODBYE FAYE:
Two small boys without their mother,
A husband without his partner,
Parents without their daughter.
Death has taken toll.

Younger siblings now without the elder,
A group of friends now one smaller,
Weeping has come and taken hold of all.

In an instant the world has changed, never to be the same.
Lives now searching for whats next, now that death has taken best.
To our friend, sister, mother,wife, and daughter....
May you Rest in Peace.

Faye we love you!

Time Lost

All have been, or at least all have believed themselves to be, in danger from the pursuit of someone whom they wish to advoid; and all have been anxious for the attention of someone whom they wished to please. - Jane Austen

I find this statment to be so true coming from a woman who has past on some time ago now. Thousand of years go by... then hundreds, have we as humans changed? In some ways... yes, in human nature... no.
Why is there this need to be needed? I find that all through my life I have relied to much on what other people think and we have all been there to one degree or another. ( some more then others, but we have all been there)
I find that I care to much what others think ( as you can tell from my writing 'the outside view') how I come across to people, why they might not like me, what it is about myself I can change and I don't know how to stop.
With each person I become someone different, molding myself to how I can fit in. Why?.. And is it sin?
I know that I shouldn't want to be of this world, only in it, but how can one stop?
Tonight I was watching a movie about stations in life and the parts that people play, and the parts they choose to play. I have had only one goal in life other then following God ( and I some times get out of charactor) and that was and still is to be a wife and mother. One woman in the movie had that same goal but jumped in to fast and had an unhappy marriage. But as the story unwinds it was only the life she was told to have, not really the one she wanted. Do we then sometimes go for things in life only because that's what everyone around us has done or has told us to do?.. Yes!
Not in my case, (or so I wish to think) yet I might just be trying to run ahead of God.
In my life's play, I have been the woman that men have wished to advoid ( well the one's I have liked) and have advoided men. For fear of rejection, love lost or lossing it, them not being Christian, or even strung along sometimes, the guy knowing it was only temp. Someone to do something with, well they really have a girlfriend back home. Just friends! How can guys do that! You become good friends, yet they don't see the games they are playing with your heart... but to be fair I don't know the games I'm playing at either and if I didn't like them, it would be just that... friendship.
Now I'm just going on, I don't know if this even makes sense to anyone and I don't care. Sometimes people just need to write out what is going on in their minds. I just wish God's time would come soon for I hate waiting. What is it I sometimes wonder...that's so wrong with me I can never get past the friendship stage and other times.... well I'm glad.
We have all been there at one time or another and it gives me comfort to know, I'm not the first person to go through this and I'm not the last but maybe I can help others later on who are going through the same thing I'm feeling now.

Note: This is not about any one guy
Note: This is what I think at three in the morning
Note: Forget what you read, this was just time lost

When love comes knocking

I have to be honest, just come right out and say it... I'm in love. Yes, you read correctly. I am head over heels in love with..... Christmas... music. Well, Christmas in general actually. The tree, the eggnog, lights, buying gifts, the wrapping... I have even had Christmas parties starting in September.

Tonight at work, we all had the " Carol of the Bells", running through our heads, singing out loud every so often.
I even had a customer humming the tune!

As I sit and write this I'm listening to Christmas music with my sister( Grace). We got to talking about songs from our childhood and wondering if anyone else knows the Christmas Pig song by Alan Thicke.... anyone other than our family, I mean.
It goes like this...
'Wendal, Wendal the Christmas pig, got in trouble when he got to big. I just love spending Christmas with a perky piece of pork. It's to bad he had to spend it at the end of my fork!' x2

Worn out

I hate the constant ring of the telephone.
The attention it demands leaves me prone.
Yet to ignore its constant ringing could drive anyone insane.
So answer it I must, to cause me no more pain.

Who will this person be... a foe or a friend?
I lift up the receiver to hear the other end.
The phone will ring again, I know... I speak in fear not doubt.
This constant ringing of the phone can wear a person out.

note: I don't know why I hate talking on phones, I just do.

Out side veiw


I love to people watch and make up there lives, some I most likely make better and I have to say their are some I might make worse.
Which put me onto this thought, if we could see ourselves the way that others see us, what would we look like in their eyes and mind set.
I would love to have pleasure of being able to see myself in the eyes of passer-bys , friends, and family to know how they persive me. Not to have the to your face comments, but also the behind your back comments, to really know how you come across. Is there things to change, things to grow in. I'm I coming across as a Child of God, a fence sitter, or just another lost person looking for the light. I'm I to loud, to quite (I know this one, and I'm not asking for people to tell me, most would just be to nice or come across rude) I just was thinking to be able to have that experience would be interesting.
Most often then not , it is easier to listen to the bad things about ourselves and take them to heart, then the good.
To have an out side look at our lives, now that would be something.

Note: I know I'm a bad speller, please forgive, my spell check won't work.