Hurt people, Hurt People.

I had this very wise teacher at capernwray, Who kept trying to get this startment into our heads, " Hurt people, hurt people".
I find this so true, lately when I'm hurting, I hurt the ones I love for the pure fact, that if I'm hurting so should they ( and then some times I hurt them without even knowing it, or myself).
Why? What is it about me that makes me become this monster? Why can I just go get drunk like the rest of the world and forget my troubles for just one night?
Last night I was hurting over something I had brought upon myself ( not that I had control over the situation, but the extream pain I felt was because I had once again played up this matter in my head, even though it never happend or ever would)
I was up until 5 am crying and then had to go to work, smiling as if my world was fine. ( and the fact that I was hurting so much, made the rest of my family hurt, I'm to much of an open book)
For that I am sorry... but how do I stop? How can a person gain control over their feelings, so they don't have to hurt over things that God never ment to be?
I think if I could be a super hero, It would be to have the power to control my emotions, my thoughts, actions... and even not to feel.
Hurt people, hurt people, but how do you stop?

This one is for John and Dave

Not long ago I posted some lovely pictures of my brothers, well they weren't to happy and took these photo's to get back at me. Wanting to beat them to the punch, I thought I would do the damage to myself. I had just washed my hair and am wearing no make-up.. Enjoy.

Centipede


Last night I ended up watching "Around the world in 80 days" , I started the movie at 9pm and the dumb thing didn't end until 2am. ( why didn't I turn it off.... I'm dumb too)
So at about 1:30am I see this black thing moving on the floor really fast, I look again and there is this long black centipede. Now in Mexico I bought this bag of cooked flavored centipedes and they tasted great! but recently I have come to really hate! bugs. I can't even kill them for fear of getting close. I wake my dad to kill this creature for me and he flushes it down the toilet ( do you think I can use the bathroom without fear now?.... no)
Then at around 2:30am I try going to sleep, all I can think about is.. What if there is more? Could one be in my bed right now? If I fall asleep it could go in my mouth or ears, nose... any open part, and what if I wake up with it there? I could care less if I didn't wake-up to it, but scared for life if I did. I think I fell asleep for about an hour at three, I awoke from a dream that spider's were coming from my flesh. I had eaten a cup cake that had a pregnant spider and it had laid eggs in my stomach.. somehow ending with big marks on my flesh that the babies came from.
So I opted to get some ear plugs... so once again I had to wake my dad who I know has some.
So it's now four in the morning ( I'm bugging out, ha), there is a house having an all night party music blaring. My mother wakes and then all of a sudden we hear a cop car coming down the street, then a little fire truck... music dies... and then boom! You can see smoke coming from behind a house across the street, I run to put my jeans on to watch the sight out side ( not thinking I could look guilty) Dave and John now are up... What a night! It's now 4:30am and my sister wantes me to drive around the block to see if we can get a better look.... round and around we go. It ends up someone put the neighbours van on fire,.
I fall to sleep at around five, just to get up for Church... Maybe it was a blessing about the car... only because it got my brain from thinking about the centipede, so I could sleep.

The moral of this story is I'm a spaz and I hate bugs. Never show me or talk to me about bugs.... I will put you on my hate list.
Even typing this has made me have the creepy crawlies!!

Manager?

Today I went into work and right off the bat the owner comes up to me ( well taking to other people ) and asks me to be a manger. She wants to get me started right away, for another manager is going on vacation and they need me to replace him. Then she tell me we'll talk later and walks away with the people she was talking to.

Two weeks ago I'm trying to quit and now she is wanting to make me manager... What do I do? I won't be serving tables, so there goes my tips. I will have to gain the respect of my co-worker.. and have them come to me with all there silly problems. I would be the one getting all the mad customers.... late hours, early mornings... deal with all the money matters... people who come in late or just don't show up. Find people to cover shifts.. ect..
I know I can do it and I think it would only be for a short time, but then is it even worth it?
Why me and why now?
I just want to make the right move and do Gods will but then every time I try to change or get out... Boston Pizza just keeps sucking me back... so then is this God's will for my life and how do I know? What should I do?... I wish I had that easy button, like in the ads.

Big Tease


Last night I was serving three flaggers. I wasn't overly nice, you could almost say I was a bad waitress to them. Anyhow at the end, one gave me 9 dollars, another 10 dollars and the last one five dollars and wrote down his name and phone number at the bottom. I show this to my friend Eugene and two other guys I know, he at first laughed and said to call the number. Anyhow.. then one of them has the nerve to call me a tease! He told me that women have men in their hands and all we have to do is give the right smile and a guy will do anything for us. Not true! I told him and he said you're right only pretty girls have that and I should be nicer to the male gender that walks through the doors, it's not fair to them or the other waitress staff.

I don't know what has been going on lately? I go from never being asked out, to getting hit on every day at work, being told I'm a tease and I carry the hearts of men in my hands. It's just weird, after being asked out once, then it all began... I almost wish I knew how to shut it off. I hope after maple flag I can go back to nothing, I'm tried of this.

Your Eyes Should Be Green

Your eyes reflect: Striking attractiveness and danger What's hidden behind your eyes: A vivid inner world

What Color Should Your Eyes Be?

Enough said....

In and Out Of Love


I woke up this morning looking out the window with dread of getting up for church, I don't know if many or any of you know what this feels like.
Some weeks I just hate church, the talking with people you have nothing in common with, sitting in a service you just wish and pray would end so you can make your escape, and when it is over trying to run for the door not looking anyone in the eye. This was how my day started, today they preached on elders and how an elder should live and how his family should live. ( In my my view only, so don't get mad) I don't think any of the elders are living to these standards, yet the church has put them in these positions. If they don't match the standards placed by the Bible, then we the church are placing them under power they should never have and then we also doing wrong. It would be better to have no elders. I have never become a church member for the fact that I am already in the family of God but I don't believe in the things the church I am attending bases their views upon ( by not being a member you can't vote on who the elder will be). I go to this church however, one, for I have gone there my whole life and two I agree more with their views than any other church here.

Some days I think it would be better not to go at all, but house rules .

Why if I believe in the Bible and God, is it so hard for me to love these people and not feel unloved and unwelcome in the church crowd. Why do I find the non-believers more welcoming, caring, and able to listen about God. I find when I talk to a Christian about faith and my own view points, they jump to bring you down a notch faster then say a non-believer. At least they let you finish, I'm sure many of your minds are working right now on what you would say to all of this.. but it's true. I'm sorry if this has hurt anyone, but I am so tired of caring who I'm going to hurt with anything I say, and tired of hearing people jump at me and think I have said something stupid before hearing where I'm going with a sentence.
When it comes to church it's both love and hate, for I do love the people but I hate how they can make you feel. I know we are all sinners but when you get more love and feel more useful to the world, it's hard to choose which to be a part of. I know I need to look and the eternal and not the now but that's hard to do.

Note: I should just go back to bed and have this day over with.