Learning Brazilian

Tonight I had the night off and no big plans, I was sitting by our computer when I read this cover; " Instant Immersion into 18 languages".
Since I never know when I'll need 18 basic languages... I thought tonight was as good as any to start learning. So I started off with Portugese, I did well with the listening games but my speech needs work.
Everything came out a little Texan and a bad texan at that.... and so I decided to blog for now instead of continue in this painful persuit..... until my family has all gone to their beds and I can fumble my words without any persecution.
Today 18 languages, tomorrow back to square one. ( or try to take over the world )

Haha Moment

Tonight at work, the bar tender was sick and had to go home and since I was the only one on that knew how to close the lot fell on me.
Well this is were my story begins... this group of people walk in (riggers) and there is this one black guy in the group that keeps looking at me funny. After a little while he comes up to the bar and asks for a drink of water, looks at my ring finger and asks me if I'm married or have a man at home ( because I ware a ring on that hand to detre the maple flaggers). I told him no and why I ware the ring, then this huge smile breaks across his face and says "So it's there for men like Me".
Well he goes on " I was talking to my friends about you and said you have the nicest butt I have ever seen and they told me I had to let a fine girl like you know that".
I didn't know what to say.... I was in pure shock.... no one has ever come up to me like that, so I say "Thank-you." What eles could I say to that?
Then he goes on...." I'm not just saying this to be nice, you have one nice a**".
I said thank-you again and then walked away to check on my other tables.
Well then just before walking out the door he comes over to me again " Next time I'm ever in Cold lake the only reason I'm going to come back to Boston Pizza is for you and that nice a**" , I say "Thanks again and have a nice night" and I walk away, I go tell this to the manager I'm working with and she starts to laugh. Then I think about it and say to her that it was however a backhanded compilment, " How's that?" she asks, " Well don't black guys like a woman with a big booty?". She just laughed at me some more.
I wish now I had something witty to say to him but alas I still can't think of anything.

If I wasn't this..... I would be someone else.

I was talking with my sister the other night and told her that all my life I have felt like a fill in. ( Example: when an actor get sick in a play, they have a fill in, someone who has been learning the part on the side lines just in case the main actor couldn't go on)

Here is my life as I remember it..... from the time I hit my teen years I started taking on actions of my friends or people around me, trying to be like them ( for I saw them as people others wanted to be around and saw myself as a geeky little want to be) And so when those people were not around I was the one others would call on, hence ' the fill in'. I think I lost who I was in those years, when the acting started. I did it mainly for the fact that others like them because of those actions, so then they would like me for them too. ( Never worked out that way, but I keep trying)

Why am I writing this for others to read?.... As my brother would say I'm an "open book", but then why as an open book which people know how I feel at any moment so well, is it that to me the pages are blurry? How do they know the things I say at that moment define who I am or how I'll feel ten days from now. To me I just take on other people's personalities, I don't know who I really am, so how can anyone else?

If I was to die and all I ever was or am is a fill in...why fill in the gap? Why are people replaceable? Why at someones death do you shove that person's life into an hour of time? why do people have replacements? You may think you don't but we all do, we have the people first on are calling list and then others to reach if all else fails. But yet no one wants to be replaced themselves.

I know that I'm going on jumping from thought to thought.... this is how my mind works and as I type I just am letting my mind go at Joy speed.

So why can't I find out who I really am and stop the act? Why is it so hard for me to think that people really could and do like me for me? Why is it that I don't like who I am as a person or stop seeing looking back at me in a mirror this ugly mess? Why do I fear the rejection of man and God?

Is it the fact I don't like this person I have become over the years and that I can't see why other people would..... Fear and rejection is the only real part to me that I know. Yes all of what I said in the above makes me this mess of a person and to let people know this... scares me the most. So why did I open this book more to make people feel bad for me.. no. I did it because this is who I'm finding I really am.

And I have to let go of what people really think...But if I wasn't this....I'd be someone else and how do you then be who you really are.

Note: no one... no one needs to reply I am just clearing my head at one in the morning. If you do comment don't say anything you don't mean or try to preach. I know what has to be said my brothers have said it a thousand times. I just have a low self image and that is I guess who I am... what you say could never tell me different. I have to once again change, I just don't know how.

Note: V-day just makes me sad.. sorry you read this blog, if you have gotten this far.

Saskatchewan Trip

I don't really know how to make a blog with pictures so here is my try.
They really jump around so I'll start with the group shot. Myself, Grace and my friend Jeamie went down to Caronport ( near moosejaw) for a get together in memorie of our friend Faye.
All her close friends came to remember the great things she had done and great time we had with her, so this trip was happy and sad.
I was able to see her grave for the first time, I was a ball of tears... {Jeamie and I were sick and all of us had not to much sleep so it was a very emotional day.}

So on a lighter note.. today we left early, said our last good byes and since we gained and hour went the other way from Alberta in look for Corner Gas .
Stopped by the moose for some sweet pictures and Tim Horton for breakfast. ( top picture?)
The rest should be of " Dog River" (I can't spell the real name), we had so much fun and put our names on places they won't see on set but that we know are there when we watch. I have so many more but I could only post a few. Drove back today got lost, wrote this, going to bed.

Note: sorry I will learn to spell one day;)
Note: grammer too!

Men Fact or Fiction?

I was looking up the word man or men tonight in the dictionary an this is what came up.
Man, n.
1) a human being
2) a.) an adult male human being. b.) sometimes a boy
3) an adult male servant, follower, attendant, or subordinate.

Now lets stop there for a moment.... just think about the last ones.

4) a person with qualities conventionally regarded as manly, such as strength, courage,etc.
5) a.) a husband b.) a lover? ( ok the question mark isn't really there)

So I ask again, men.... Fact or fiction?